SMYRNA, GA--A Smyrna-area tank top is under fire from menswear advocates, who claim the garment is so severely strained that it is in imminent danger of succumbing to explosive and potentially dangerous fabric-degradation-related rupture.

Above: The tank top that is in danger of "sudden and potentially dangerous fabric failure."

      According to Municipal Sleeveless-Clothing Subcommittee co-chair Edwin Thurley, the tank top, a 1981 horizontally striped, blue-and-white "Kmart Casual" featuring a vest pocket and dual poly/cotton construction, was not designed to withstand the pressure currently being exerted upon it by its owner and may "burst without warning at virtually any moment."

      "A growing number of citizens are very concerned about the possible adverse effects that may be felt within our community, should the tank top fail," Thurley said Monday. "It is crucial that we resolve this pressing matter before, not after, a crisis stage is reached."

      The embattled tank top has been the focus of public scrutiny for the last seven summers. Critics point out that the top has been in need of an upgrade ever since falling into severe disrepair in the late '80s. Further, they say, while the shirt remains a size medium, the fleshy torso whose containment is the shirt's responsibility has expanded to the point of realistically requiring a size extra-large.

      "If crucial support is not provided for the tank top's badly overtaxed load-bearing shoulder straps, it is likely that they will will suffer complete breakdown by August," Thurley said.

      A bitter rivalry between city officials and the tank top's owner/wearer, Todd Fontaine of nearby Plovis, has only exacerbated the situation.

      Said Fontaine: "Because of an exorbitant parking fine recently levied against me by city officials, I cannot allocate the necessary funding toward a tank-top replacement or upgrade at this time."

      Responded Thurley: "Fontaine knows darn well that it is illegal for him to park his pickup truck on his front lawn, yet he continues to do so out of stubbornness and spite. He is protesting his recent $100 fine as a smokescreen to cover up the real issue: the gross endangerment of an innocent piece of clothing."

      Even if Fontaine agrees to replace the tank top, there remains the issue of how to remove it without endangering the public. One solution has been proposed by the Atlanta engineering firm of Raemisch & Herzog. The firm's plan calls for the construction of a brand-new, state-of-the-art girth-containment tank top, several sizes larger than the current one, directly over the original tank-top site.

      "Once a larger top is secured around Mr. Fontaine's midsection, it will be safe to send in a team to cut away and remove the tank top within," Bob Kelcher, a Raemisch & Herzog spokesman, told the Smyrna City Council Sunday.

      Proponents of the Raemisch & Herzog plan note that it will save taxpayers a crucial 30 to 40 seconds of direct exposure to Fontaine's pale, shirtless upper body.

      In an alternate bid, a local Target store is offering to provide Fontaine with suitable upper-body coverage at a storewide discount of 15 percent.

      "With Target's latest line of designer men's casual tanks and tees," read an official statement in Sunday's eight-page, full-color newspaper insert, "Fontaine can look forward to a Fashion-Filled Fall™ come September."

      Despite the various proposals, Fontaine is refusing to remove the tank top, adamant that he has done no wrong.

      "I believe I've got a right to keep wearing this tank top if I choose, no matter how much weight I may or may not gain," he said. "I also believe I have a right to park my pick-up on my lawn and barbecue in my boxer shorts. Furthermore, I believe I'm going to have another helping of rhubarb pie."

14 June 2000

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